The Angry Rant: Beyonce's desire to be a boy

Ah, Beyonce. Is there anything she can’t do? She’s gone from soulful, sultry musical talent to mediocre, so-so actress (she made Austin Powers 3 only slightly watchable) to media mogul (vis-à-vis Jay-Z) in less than a decade. So it should come as no surprise that this child of destiny (get it?!) is finally taking the next logical step in becoming a full fledged parody of the music industry: she created an alter ego.

That alter ego is known as Sasha Fierce, which conveniently coincides with her newest album "Who Is…Sasha Fierce?" It seems that Fierce was created so that Beyonce could explore her more sexual side. Right, because no one would have ever believed that Beyonce Knowles, who is a perennial member in lists such as “The 100 Sexiest Females Ever To Exist Of All Time” could be sexy, right?

All joking aside, I’ve got a couple things to say:

Sasha Fierce? Really? That’s the best name you could pick? Quite frankly, that sounds like a bad comic book character. (Which, undoubtedly would be played by Ms. Oscar herself, Jessica Alba). That’s actually awesome news for fanboys everywhere, who get to see one of their favorite characters brought to life by an actress who has about as much depth as the paper that the comic book is printed on. That, in turn, is great news for me, because I get to make fun of it to no end. When a singer (I now refuse to call her an artist or a musician), creates an alter ego, that means that their original ego has become so inflated that one name isn’t enough. See also: Puff Daddy, P Diddy, Sean John, P Poppa Doddy Did, Mariah Carey, Janet Jackson and Garth Brooks. That can’t be good news for Beyonce. That’s like wanting to open up a theme park in Europe, but the only example you have is Euro-Disney.

Not only is the alter ego annoying, but has anyone else noticed that Beyonce has very easily transitioned to being a one-name singer? She went from being regular Beyonce Knowles to just Beyonce, and no one seemed to notice. As it is, she has joined the ranks of such luminaries as Rihanna, Fergie, Charo, Brandy, Monica…uh…Selena….Judy?
My point is, Beyonce is dangerously close to becoming the musical version of Howard Hughes. (I don’t know if that last line makes any sense. Wait…it does.)

But let’s not dilly-dally any further and get to the heart of the matter, and that is Beyonce’s new song, "If I Were A Boy," which, without any bias from myself, is the worst song ever made. But I’ll let you decide:

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go

Hey Beyonce, have you ever been to a college campus? Guess what, girls don’t glitz themselves up for an 8AM class. Girls can wear whatever they want!

If I went to class wearing nothing but a pair of boy shorts and a mesh shirt, I would be promptly asked to leave, and then deservedly, I would be punched in the balls.
If a woman wore the same outfit, no one would think twice about it. In fact, she would be likely receive compliments  and be encouraged to wear that more often. Women can wear whatever they want, because they look effortlessly attractive. Guys do not have that luxury. We are disgusting creatures, and our bodies are built like ATVs—for utility purposes only. The female form is beautiful.

Also, Beyonce, have you once looked in the mirror? For God’s sakes, you’re Beyonce! You could walk outside in a snowsuit and still be better looking than most women (Not any girls at Wilkes University, mind you, *wink*.) Here’s a secret: men do not care about how women dress. Really, it’s true. You could wear a garbage bag filled with week-old diapers to a club, and we could really care less. The only people who care about what women wear are other women. (Also, Perez Hilton. But he’s kind of a girl anyway, right?) The truth is, the real reason that you feel that you can’t wear whatever you like is because other women are going to criticize you. Guys don’t care. Really, we don’t.

(Also, is there a more ironically named piece of clothing than the boy short? Dudes don’t wear that, and if any self respecting man, regardless of sexual orientation, did admit to wearing that, he would be promptly doused in kerosene and lit on fire.)

Drink beer with the guys

I understand that you’re worth a small fortune, and since you’ve been rolling with Jay-Z, you probably don’t have any use for this piece of advice, but nothing is stopping you from tossing back a cold one with any of your male friends. In fact, they’d probably like you more for drinking a beer, as opposed to the drinks you’re used to drinking, which, I can only imagine have been made from water that came from melted icebergs that haven’t been in liquid form in 2000 years.

And chase after girls

Once again, feel free to do that. No one (including this writer) is stopping you.

I’d kick it with who I wanted

I’m sorry, is there some rule that girls can’t have their own friends? I’m confused.

And I’d never get confronted for it

Really? Because guys never get into fights.

Cause they’d stick up for me.

That’s actually true, because I’ve never been accosted by a group of girls after I allegedly left one of their friends at a gas station in New Jersey because I wanted to break up with her. Sure, that never happened.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl

Well, naturally, since you’re actually a girl.

I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

So here we have an inference that men don’t listen to women. Also, according to you, no man has ever been hurt by a woman. That’s just blatant misandry (look it up). Let me drop some truth right now: There are a lot of vindictive women out there who have broken many a young man’s heart. Trust me. Don’t think for a moment that men are any different than women in that department.

If I were a boy
I could turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go

So you’re telling me that no girl has ever said to her significant other: “If you don’t know what’s wrong, then I’m not going to tell you.” Let’s face it, women are just as (if not more) deceptive than men. They’re duplicitious double-speakers who confound men with their medusa like abilities (also referred to as breasts).

Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home (to come home)

Of course there is nothing wrong with that statement, because no woman in the history of women has ever cheated on her husband. Right, Madonna?

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

Blah, blah, blah men have it so easy…

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy

Honestly, I tuned out about 11 lines ago. This song is pure drivel, and quite frankly, I’m angered by it. How convenient for the purposes of this article.

But really, can someone please tell Beyonce that it’s not exactly a walk in the park for men? Sure, we make more money than women, but we also die earlier. And something else? Our bathrooms don’t come equipped with sofas and potpourri. We have stalls and urinals, and more often than not, we are lucky to have soap and running water. So please, do all of us a favor and stop complaining about how hard you have it.